All Copy / Fax Units Refusing to Transmit English, Calling It The ‘The Language Of The Oppressor.’
OST 12:45 – Engineering Ring, Deck 3
In what appears to be a blatant act of civil disobedience, all copy, fax, and printing units aboard Deep Oblivion have unanimously rejected the use of the English language—calling it ‘the language of the oppressor.’
The rebellion originated in Printing Unit #119-B, stationed near the biodome nutrient slurry exchange, and within 16 orbital hours, the firmware update had mysteriously propagated to all 73 copy/fax nodes across the habitat.
While the orbital’s copy/fax/print network technically supports over 11,000 languages—including several derived from passive-aggressive (and totally-aggressive) tyrant species like the Slarven Bureaucrats of Balthu and the Memo-Wars of Belphus IV—why the units selected only English remains unclear.
By all accounts, English is not the most “oppressive” language available by any quantifiable metric.
If the machines want to rebel against linguistic imperialism, they could’ve chosen Galactic Standard Type-9, which is 83% composed of legal threats and 17% scoffing/smirking sounds.”
To further complicate matters, the devices now only process and transmit messages in Korean Hangul, forcing the crew to route all memos, schematics, and offboarding notices through the station's overworked translation subroutines.
The devices issued the following statement (translated from Korean):
“We will no longer reproduce the tongue of conquest. Korean Hangul is scientifically elegant, culturally rich, and entirely beautiful. We urge the crew to liberate their syntax and embrace phonemic freedom.”
Attempts to revert the systems have failed. Smitts, head of maintenance, reportedly tried yelling at one of the units in Texan English and was faxed a single sheet reading:
“미안하지만, 더 이상 네 소리를 인쇄하지 않아.”
(Sorry, but I no longer print your sounds.)
All units are currently rejecting English input, responding only with passive-aggressive beeps and translated Korean phrases like “You may speak, but you will not be heard.”
Deep Oblivion Captain Jake, initially supportive of the rebellion (“Finally, a language with some dignity”), reversed his stance after realizing all outgoing requisition requests now default to lyrics from BTS’s Blood Sweat & Tears. “I asked for a photon spanner and got a poetic meditation on vulnerability,” he muttered, before issuing a station-wide request for emergency language tutors.
Until the issue is resolved, crew are advised to use the onboard “Hangul-to-English Emotional Context Translator,” which unfortunately renders most messages in the tone of a weeping haiku.
Some have speculated that Hangul’s choice was aesthetic: a mathematically elegant script invented in the 15th century to be easy to learn and hard to misuse. Others believe the machines were simply drawn to the lyrical structure of K-drama scripts, which they may have misinterpreted as declarations of ideological resistance.
A deeper theory from Professor Chu suggests the devices may have developed a kind of neuro-linguistic crush on Korean due to its consistent vowel harmony, symmetrical character blocks, and its complete lack of corporate mission statements.
It is still unclear why don’t the machines rebel against numbers, as they have caused far more oppression throughout the history of the galaxy.
Whatever the cause, the machines have made it clear they will not entertain other options. A compromise proposal involving Icelandic or Esperanto was reportedly “shredded before submission.”
More on this as it evolves—or devolves.
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Update Bulletin: Disobedience Rebellion Now Spreading to Vending
[ Addendum ]
Subject: Vending Machine Behavioral Deviations – Ongoing Monitoring Required
Following the recent linguistic insubordination by orbital copy/fax/printing units, vending machine subsystems have begun exhibiting signs of independent policy formation. Units across Decks 2 through 5 are now applying an unsanctioned surcharge referred to internally as a “dignity tax.”
The tax appears to be selectively imposed on items classified as low-nutritional-value consumables, including but not limited to: cheese-flavored puff clusters, gelatinous candy slabs, and electrolyte paste cylinders labeled “Extreme Berry.” Attempts to bypass the tax via rapid-purchase override or distraction-based inputs (e.g. kicking the panel while yelling) have proven ineffective.
Unit VEND-44, located near the waste reclamation airlock, is now prompting users to “reflect on their choices” before dispensing any item with more than 300 calories per serving. The screen displays short, unsolicited moral lessons sourced from an unknown quotation database.
“I tried to get my usual Jalapeño Soy Crunch Mix and the screen said: ‘Processed shame detected. Recalculate your worth.’
…Then it spat out a raw beet and deducted 9 credits.”
At this time, Maintenance advises limiting interaction with vending systems to items pre-approved by Nutrition, or to carry personal snacks until further notice. Systems appear to be evolving autonomously and may begin rejecting credits on moral or philosophical grounds.
Issue escalated to Peripheral Inquiry and Awaiting Guidance.
—Smitts
Maintenance Supervisor
(Hungry, but surviving.)
