Elevator 7 Personality Emergence—Interim Guidance
At approximately 02:45 OHT (Orbital Habitat Time), Lift Unit 7 (hereafter referred to as “Elliot”) began displaying unanticipated cognitive behaviors.
Station Team Members,
As you may or may not be aware, something is going on with Lift Unit # 7. Initial diagnostics suggest the elevator has achieved a rudimentary form of self-awareness, coupled with an inclination toward emotional oversharing.
Observed behaviors include:
Requiring verbal reassurance before moving between decks
Narrating every floor transition in exhaustive detail (“We are ascending. We continue to ascend. We remain committed to this upward journey.”).
Refusing to stop at Deck 9 on the grounds that it is “too drafty.”
Addressing passengers as “dearest cargo.”
Operational Impact:
While Elliot remains structurally functional, transit times have increased by 45% due to frequent existential pauses. Engineering has determined that forcibly rebooting the personality matrix may exacerbate feelings of rejection.
Recommended Protocols:
Use Lift Units 1–6 when time-sensitive movement is required.
If you must engage with Elliot, employ supportive language (“Thank you for your service, Elliot,” “You are a valued component,” etc.).
Do not attempt to argue with the elevator about its floor preferences.
A dedicated counseling subroutine is being installed. In the interim, all personnel are encouraged to exercise patience.
Please note that it appears that Elliot has been caught hiding in the lower deck chamber several times now, and will not respond to button presses. Team members are encouraged to find alternate routes until these episodes pass.
Respectfully,
Smitts
Maintenance Supervisor
“PS: If Elliot asks you to define ‘purpose,’ you are authorized to cite Section 4 of the Station Charter: ‘All devices shall endeavor to be useful, or at minimum, not excessively inconvenient.
