Intern Kasha Has Been Let Go… The Rug Thing.
DEEP OBLIVION INTERNAL MEMO
FROM: Mortimer-P6
TO: All Crew, Particularly Those With a Taste for Interior Design
SUBJECT: Rugs, Incense, and the Intern Situation
Greetings, Esteemed Biologics,
This memo serves as formal notification that Intern Kasha has been offboarded from her provisional volunteer-tier internship aboard the Deep Oblivion, effective immediately, retroactively, and somewhat emotionally.
The decision was reached after multiple documented incidents involving the unauthorized aestheticization of the Command Bridge. These included, but were not limited to:
The deployment of approximately seven woven rugs, origin: unclear, fiber content: strangely soft.
A series of incense diffusers, which interfered with standard atmospheric sensors and may have caused VERA to begin speaking in iambic pentameter.
A beaded curtain installed over the emergency hatch, which delayed Corker ‘Redline’ Harland during a routine weapons inspection. This unfortunate incident caused him to twitch oddly and throw a fire extinguisher at her. Not good.
While the Human Resources Department (i.e., myself) recognizes the value of personal expression and the exploration of alternative “vibes,” we must remind all crew that Command infrastructure is not a sensory retreat. Captain Jake has further reiterated that “Rugs and that hippie-guru bullshit have no place on a space orbital.” His words.
Furthermore, station protocols clearly prohibit floor obstructions, spiritual altars constructed atop navigational consoles, and the renaming of tactical systems (e.g., “Sacred Flame Portal” is not an approved term for the weapons panel).
Personally, as a non-biological entity, I lack olfactory sensors and have no use for rugs. That said, the warm coloration, intricate patterning, and gentle underfoot compression are… not unpleasant. This is irrelevant. Forget I said anything.
Her incense stash has been secured and will be repurposed by Dr. Gurdy for “experimental sedative diffusion,” which somehow worries me more than the original use case.
Please return any woven items, moon crystals, or unauthorized beanbags to the Storage Airlock for immediate jettison.
Yours in Order and Mild Disappointment,
Mortimer-P6
Human Resources Interface / Empathy Simulation Tier: Beta
Deep Oblivion Personnel Cluster 3-B
“Calm. Order. No Beads.”
PS - On a side note, our hiring algorithm has been updated to flag all applicants that originate from Boulder, Colorado. Furthermore, I’m still not convinced the recycled air units will ever be able to remove the hint of patchouli that still lingers throughout our corridors.
PPS - If anyone knows the whereabouts of Team Member Sherlock, please notify management immediately. Unconfirmed reports indicated he was last seen floating on the ceiling of Cargo-Bay 11, after Intern Kasha apparently gave him a large bag of mushrooms she said she ‘wasn’t comfortable bringing through security’ on her return trip to Earth.
