System Advisory: Shields Up, No Hair Drying Until Further Notice.
Issued by: Marvin / Head of Orbital Operations
Timestamp: OHT 04:21
Severity: HIGH / PROLONGED
Attention all personnel:
Defensive shielding systems have been fully activated following the confirmed sighting of Green Worms in the upper heliocentric drift field near Yelph-9. As you are all aware, Green Worms are our nemesis—not in the legal sense, but in the older, mythic, soul-destabilizing sense. While they remain at distance, their presence demands maximum power rerouting to shield integrity, psychic insulation, and modest self-respect dampeners.
All nonessential systems are now in low power mode.
Please note the following restrictions and emotional advisories:
All computer terminals will default to lowercase mode. This saves 0.0004% processing power per keystroke. Do not attempt to override. Messages may appear more casual or passive-aggressive—this is unavoidable.
All announcements will be whispered over intercom to reduce audio output strain.
Please note that punctuation has been limited to commas and periods until further notice. Question marks will be seen as overly-indulgent.
Emotional Recognition Units have been downgraded to binary. You are either ‘fine’ or ‘not fine.’
No hairdryers, hover-chairs, plasma socks, or smart-forks. (Exceptions for medical-grade equipment must be approved by Dr. Gurdy.)
Security surveillance will operate on a rotating feed schedule. If you do something inappropriate, we may or may not see it. Note: This is not a challenge - Please do not make it one.
Artificial gravity will remain on, but treadmill speeds will be capped at “brisk.”
Hot showers are limited to 90 seconds per being. Cold showers encouraged and emotionally character-building.
Food replicators will switch to “standby gruel mode.” You will get what you get.
Astrophonic instruments are temporarily offline. This includes the bass clarinet.
Lighting across all decks will be dimmed to 40% output. This is not a malfunction. This is not mood lighting—please refrain from piping ‘Chillhouse Downtempo Beats Mix’ through the orbital sound system.
Personal music playback is restricted to acoustic or unamplified selections. Harmonica use is “not encouraged” (see Incident 407B).
Droids, robots, and other autonomous service units may exhibit lethargy, drift, or reflective behavior. If your assigned maintenance or service unit begins monologuing or staring into space, do not interrupt. Simply give them space and speak in short, monosyllabic commands.
Environmental temperature will fluctuate slightly to conserve heating resources. Expect ambient “mood swings” between 19–26°C. Wear something with layers. Do not email about it.
Please remember: This is a temporary condition.
There is no immediate threat, and all systems are operating within safe tolerances. Green Worm danger levels are expected to peak within the next 11 hours and decay gradually. If you experience dizziness, loss of gravity in isolated zones, or a sudden sense that “time is folding in on itself,” find the nearest neutral lighting panel and breathe near it until calm returns.
Power-hungry tasks such as quantum emailing will be queued until threat level subsides.
Further: Captain Jake has requested no one mention “the last time” this happened. VERA reminds all staff that:
Referencing past catastrophes during ongoing emergencies is strictly demoralizing and borderline illegal under Section 19-D (Emotive Management Protocols).
Further updates will be issued every 2 hours or as conditions change.
For complaints, assistance, or philosophical interpretations of the Green Worm threat, please contact Professor Chu—if you can find him. Alternatively, Sherlock is available for vague reassurance and untraceable solutions.
In service of science,
- Marvin
Head of Orbital Operations
