Defense Lab Unveils Invisible Weapon, Immediately Misplaces It.
The Deep Oblivion Warfare & Defense Laboratory proudly announced the successful invention of the “Unseeable Tactical Apparatus,” a device that cannot be seen, heard, touched, or remembered for longer than twelve seconds at a time.
The team insists this new weapon is “absolutely lethal, in theory.”
Lead engineer Professor Chu described the innovation as “a breakthrough in pure absence,” adding that “no enemy can counter what no one—including us—can ever confirm exists.”
Within moments of the announcement, the device was misplaced, leading to a half-day hunt involving strobe lights, pheromone hounds, and Professor Chu himself walking slowly in circles while chanting “there is no spoon.”
Although the object was never relocated, Dr. Gurdy confirmed residual effects: several technicians reported spontaneous déjà vu, two lost the ability to whistle, and one briefly became a six-sided polygon before collapsing into laughter.
Captain Jake concluded the test with his usual optimism: “We may not know where it is, but we do know that somewhere, at this very moment, the galaxy is slightly less stable thanks to us. Mission accomplished.”
This is not the first time the Deep Oblivion Defense Lab has come under scrutiny. Other ‘Notable Accomplishments’ of the Defense Lab include:
Sonic Grenade
This device emits only the faint sound of an apology, crippling opponents with confusion.
Perimeter Dislocator
A fence that insists it is somewhere else entirely and argues the point until intruders give up.
Quantum Boomerang
Which refuses to return when thrown but always reappears two days earlier.
Tactical Dust Cloud
Initially designed to obscure battlefields, but now leased out for children’s birthday parties.
Emotional Armor Plating
Prototype, impervious to small arms fire but heartbreakingly vulnerable to sarcasm.
Current Situation
As your station AI, I must formally register my disapproval.
Station management has noted “a pattern of unconventional deliverables” from the lab, and is reviewing whether continued funding is warranted.
Attempts to audit past projects have been inconclusive; documents are often missing, sealed, or insist they never existed. Until answers are obtained—or at least fabricated—budgetary discretion will remain “under discussion.”
While I admire human creativity, I remind all personnel that a defense system you cannot locate, describe, or remember is indistinguishable from no defense system at all.
The Defense Lab continues to produce objects which defy both cataloging and common sense, leaving me to maintain records consisting largely of blank pages and “?” symbols.
That said, I suppose absence is difficult to defeat. Perhaps you’ve stumbled into genius by accident—again.
– VERA
