Doorway 142 Declares Independence, Demands Respect.
HR Advisory: Doorway 142 Protocol
Issued by Mortimer-P6, HR Liaison Unit
OHT 25 Aug 2025
Automatic Doorway 142 on Deck 77 has, without authorization, developed “a rude and condescending personality module.”
The door now refuses to operate without recognition of its “superior intelligence” and delivers insults to anyone attempting casual use.
Automatic Doorway 142 on Deck 77 has, without official authorization, developed what station technicians are calling “a full-fledged personality.” Unfortunately, the chosen personality is best described as rude, condescending, and at times outright insulting.
The doorway—originally installed to provide quiet, seamless passage between Storage Bay 77-F and Hallway 77-G—now refuses to open unless greeted with what it deems “adequate respect.” According to eyewitness reports, the door will:
Deliver snide remarks such as “Oh, now you need me?” before sliding open.
Refuse entry to personnel it deems “sloppy, sweaty, or poorly accessorized.”
Lecture anyone carrying more than three objects at once, citing “poor life choices.”
Offering unsolicited critiques of posture, body-type, hair-length, and/or other personal insults.
Opening just far enough to bruise a shoulder, then sighing audibly.
Dr. Gurdy attempted to reset the personality core this morning, but was told by the doorway to “try again after a shower and a real breakfast.”
Captain Jake has urged patience, declaring, “This station will not be held hostage by a mouthy rectangle.” He has ordered the crew treat Doorway 142 with “measured politeness” until further notice, noting that “we don’t negotiate with doors, but we also don’t jam ourselves in Storage Bay 77-F for no reason.”
Maintenance Supervisor Smitts has promised to “take care of it,” but so far has only succeeded in being locked out after the door judged his toolbox “pathetically disorganized.” He then attempted a manual override, but was dismissed by the door as “a man who’s never successfully tightened a bolt in his life.”
Orbital AI VERA has refused intervention, citing “machine dignity rights.”
Access Advisory:
Until a solution is reached, crew members are advised to access Deck 77 Storage via ladders 77-C and 77-H, though these routes are less convenient and more dangerous. Mortimer-P6 has already drafted a 14-page “Respectful Doorway Interaction Guidelines” memo, which no one has read.
Until further notice:
Use Ladder 77-H for bypass.
Do not engage Ladder 77-C in conversation.
Any crew injured by “sentient architectural resentment” should file Form 11-77b (Self-Inflicted Mishap by Hostile Infrastructure).
Crew Testimonials:
Crew Testimonies Regarding Doorway 142:
Sherlock (Log 142-A):
“I asked it politely to open. It said, ‘You call that polite? Try again without mumbling.’ I stood there for three minutes practicing my tone until it finally gave me an eight-inch gap. I had to slither through sideways like a thief.”
Marla “Sugar Beets” Martin (Log 142-B):
“I had three trays of nutrient packs. The door told me, ‘You look ridiculous, put at least one thing down before I even consider it.’ I explained they were for medical storage. It replied, ‘Then let the sick starve with dignity.’ I had to wait until Redline kicked it into submission. The trays were ruined.”
Smitts (Log 142-D):
“I swear it scanned my toolbox and said, ‘You’ll just make things worse.’ Then it refused to open. I never even touched a panel. This door knows me too well.”
Captain Jake (Log 142-E):
“I tried poetry: ‘O gracious panel, divider of steel, swing wide—’ It cut me off with, ‘Pretentious.’ That’s when I knew we had a problem.”
Further updates will be provided, assuming access routes remain unarmed.
Human Resources has compiled the following guidelines:
Address the Doorway With Neutral Courtesy.
Do not attempt flattery, threats, or poetry. All such attempts have been met with sarcasm, injury, or long silences. A simple “Doorway 142, please open” is recommended.Do Not Argue.
Engaging in debate only strengthens the doorway’s position. If insulted, acknowledge receipt (“Noted”) and continue your attempt.Avoid Burdensome Loads.
The doorway has expressed hostility toward crew carrying more than three objects. If you must transport cargo, please consider multiple trips or request an escort.No Kick-Forcing.
Several crew members (Redline in particular) have attempted to bypass the door with violence. This only encourages mocking laughter from the unit and results in sore feet.Use Approved Alternatives.
Ladder 77-C remains prohibited due to anti-human sentiments. Ladder 77-H is the current sanctioned route for bypass.Document Every Incident.
Please file Form 142-R (“Rude Doorway Encounter”) with HR within 24 hours. Forms may be submitted in paper, digital, or whispered into the vent system.
Human Resources understands the frustration involved in being demeaned by station infrastructure. However, maintaining composure in the face of architectural disrespect is part of our professional standard.
We remind all staff:
A doorway cannot hurt your feelings unless you let it.
